I pull my car up our long driveway, looping around the back of the house when I see the big blue box, sitting on our patio.
At first I don’t know what it is, but when I realize, then I smile.
The only problem is, neither my wife nor my daughter know what it is. I told them a surprise is coming on Sunday and Tuesday. But even I’m surprised because today is Saturday.
And not only that, but I am just coming back from picking up a cake for my daughter’s 5th birthday party with her friends and we have to leave in 45 minutes.
Even still, I look at the box with happiness. If it works out and is and does what I hope it will do, I think it could revolutionize our lives.
I suspect my wife will scoff at first, but will soon see the madness to my method and love it. I don’t blame her for having a bit of a shield up, I sometimes shut down critical thinking and moonshot a lot of things. Sometimes I misfire, like with the bed tent (a cautionary tale for another time) but lots of other times my crazy ways wind up paying off in unexpected ways.
I walk by the box in a bit of a hurry. I have to bring the cake in, bring in some drinks and also take Sky, my every present and faithful 15.5 year old super geriatric half pit.
Then I can tackle the blue box.
After I’ve done everything I have to do, I haul in the box. It’s smaller than I expected, but it’s heavier than I expected. I grunt a little, because of it’s weight it’s an awkward carry.
I ask for scissors because I’m always using the “good” scissors to tear through boxed and almost always get in trouble for that.
Kim brings me the scissors and says “What is that?”
My daughter is up and saying, “He said a surprise was coming!”
I know my daughter is won over already, she shares my kind of childlike enthusiasm for many of life’s simpler joys. She’s going to enjoy this and see the value as soon as it comes bursting out of the box.
Kim, on the other hand, she may take some convincing.
I crack into the box, and it’s well packed. Inside is a big blob of grey vacuum sealed in plastic.
My daughter looks on in excitement. My wife looks on in amused horror. She knows this could literally be anything in this box and the chances of her predicting what it is are slim to none.
“Is it my cake?” my daughter asks?
I tell her yes, it is your cake. This is obviously not true, but she goes along anyways.
I rip through several layers of plastic with my bare hands, like a jabronie tearing through a plate of buffalo wings on Super Bowl Sunday.
After I pull the plastic over the remaining corner, it does a little pop open.
It’s almost like it is silently saying a little ta-da.
In slow motion it begins to take form, but is still wrinkly and needs to expand more.
It is a grey three seater. I’m posting pictures at the end.
Our office has a bunch of these chairs and a loveseat that are super comfortable and great for working or relaxing. I found them on Amazon, and was recently alerted that they were on sale.
So I pulled the trigger.
I’m lucky in that my family is big on couches and couch like entities. We are all about couch thrills, the life philosophy that we can have an amazing time surfing our own couch.
I have been having an amazing track record of couches up until the most recent one that sits idly in our living room. The one before it, which we got rid of most of we called The Sex Cult Couch. I had bought it when I was a batchelor but that is not the reason for the season.
You see, Kim and I had been watching a documentary about the cult leader Keith Raniere, who is a flubby, goofy, volleyball loving cult leader who wound up sleeping with all of these women at the same time even though he appeared to most people outside of the cult to be a major schlub. And he’s talking about something in some raw footage and I jumped up.
That’s my couch!
Neither of us could believe our eyes. The schlubby volleyball villain and myself had the same taste in couches. Oof.
Cut to the next scene, where I was sadly convinced to get rid of the cult couch and get a newer, longer more accommodating couch.
At first I loved this new couch. It had multiple sections to it, which is always what I’m going for. I told Kim that we will always have a couch that can seat 15 people.
But something wasn’t quite right. When we would watch a movie, our bodies intertwined, I would almost always tweak my neck or have a sore back.
After many body wrenching sessions on the couch, I realized the problem. I realized what the chubby bump set spike sex leader’s couch had that this one didn’t have.
The seats were way wider then the current. We went from parachute pants of a couch to skinny jeans couch. In theory, the current skinny jeans couch looked good, but in experience it just didn’t have enough cushion.
Cut to the present moment, a little three seater slowly growing to full strength. A nice wide seat, legs dangling comfortably on the floor. Perfect for movie nights together with the three of us and our faithful old pup Sky. The 3 of us can fit perfect, Sky is on her bed right next to us, but she’s too far away if she’s on her bed, or even on her blanketed spot on the couch.
I know Sky loves being as close as possible to us, so this is a win in itself.
And we all love being together, especially for our movie nights. This mini couch will revolutionize the way we get our couch thrills. The way we can enjoy a movie. I’ve moved it right in front of the tv, giving us a better view, and since we’re on the ground, we’re looking up so it feels more like being in the movie theater.
The other benefit is, if someone wants to sit on the couch and/or if we have a big scene over here watching TV, then we now have actual stadium seating.
It’s only been out of the box for 3 minutes, and I explain all of this to them. They get it. I’ve just about won them over.
Except. There’s just one catch.
“I’m very happy you guys like this couch. Because I also have a loveseat and a one-seater coming.”
Sure, initial resistance, but just wait till these expandable sponge-based bits of heaven arrive scrunched up in their little blue boxes.
You really gotta sit on it, to fully appreciate it.
Here you go, you filthy animals. Grab one if you like. These words themselves were written on location.
Class up your sitting situation now – //amzn.to/4r4vV33
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